Common Autistic Traits in Women (Appearance & Personal Habits)

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I’m super excited to share this post with you today, because it’s finally time to talk about common autistic traits in women! In this first post of a four part series, I will delve into my personal traits and experiences revolving around Rudy Simone’s “List of Common Autistic Traits in Women.” There are four columns in her chart, and we’ll be discussing the first column today: appearance and personal habits.

Please know that these traits are not only found in women. While they are most commonly found in autistic women, they can also be found in autistic men. If you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person.

Disclaimer: These are not “official” autistic traits. In Rudy Simone’s book “Aspergirls: Empowering Females with Asperger Syndrome”, she illustrates common traits/tendencies found in autistic women. If you relate to these traits, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re autistic; if you don’t relate to these traits, that doesn’t mean you are not autistic. Autism is a spectrum. These traits are intended to give you a better idea of whether or not you might be autistic, but they cannot be used to diagnose you with autism.

Below is a graph I found extremely helpful when understanding what autism often looks like in women. Created by Rudy Simone and adapted by Taylor Heaton, this chart illustrates many of the unique preferences and traits on the more feminine side of the spectrum.

Originally created by Rudy Simone and adapted by Taylor Heaton

Bear in mind, this book was published back in 2010, before Asperger’s Syndrome and Autism were combined into Autism Spectrum Disorder in 2013. Despite its age, I find the traits to still remain quite accurate, so let’s dive in!

Common Autistic Traits in Women: Appearance & Personal Habits

Studying the graph above, I feel like I’m looking into a mirror. These idiosyncrasies and traits that I’ve just come to accept as my quirks actually stem from a specific way my brain operates.

Rockin' the oversized steg shirt I designed

Dresses comfortably

I have always placed comfort over beauty, opting to wear my favorite sweatshirt every day of the week rather than an outfit that doesn’t feel comfortable (and don’t worry, I wash it every few days). That doesn’t mean you won’t find me in a pretty dress with my hair done, I just prefer simple outfits and hairstyles that don’t require much effort. With a perfect fit, an in-built bra, and shorts underneath (so I don’t have to worry about the wind kicking my skirt up), I love stress-free dresses.

I have noticed several autistic women mention that they can’t stand super tight clothing. Personally, I love my favorite leggings, and I am no stranger to skinny jeans. However, I do understand the discomfort with tight shirts, in particular. I don’t mind skin-tight clothing on my legs, but I am happiest in loose t-shirts. Come to think of it, I don't even think I own a shirt in my actual size.

I think the general discomfort with tight clothing comes from sensory sensitivities. Tight clothes that are constantly rubbing on your skin can be very overstimulating. I definitely avoid scratchy clothing for that reason, sticking mostly to oversized cotton t-shirts and soft sweaters.

Spends less time on grooming and hair

I have three sisters, and when we each turned 13 years old, we were given basic makeup—foundation, blush, mascara, eye shadow, and a few brushes. It was a coming-of-age tradition, as we were not allowed to wear makeup before that age.

I spent the next two years attempting to wear makeup the way that other girls did, but I found it exhausting and, frankly, pressured to wear it—like I wouldn’t be beautiful without it. I never felt like I applied it correctly, and worse: I felt like I should already know how to use it at this point, because everyone else seemed to. I watched how other girls couldn’t walk out of their house without makeup on. It was a breeding ground for insecurity. Between that and masking, I quickly lost interest in makeup, hoping that my future husband would find me beautiful without it.

Spoiler Alert: He does.

Now, I like to keep my morning and evening routine simple and effective. Spending hours in the bathroom getting ready for the day seems like a waste of time to me, especially because I’ve never quite understood why my peers put so much time and effort into their appearance.

I am the most me when I’m comfortable.

I think the energy that neurotypical women normally put into their physical appearance is the energy autistic women use to just simply appear normal. We just don’t have any energy left over to spend on our physical appearance.

Eccentric personality and/or appearance

To say I’m eccentric would be an understatement. I wouldn’t be able to tell you why exactly, but that fact has been made abundantly clear to me.

I’ve been homeschooled most of my life. My first year in public school was in 8th grade—middle school. When the end of the year came about, the boy I had a crush on wrote these words into my yearbook: Melanie, you are weird. That’s it.

I remember staring at those words—a little 8th grade girl who had gotten the courage to talk to her crush for the first time—and I didn’t let anyone else sign my yearbook that year. Those words have stayed with me my whole life, defining me with a label everyone continually seems to agree with.

Thankfully, my story didn’t end there. I’ve found someone I can be my wonderfully weird self with. When I stim with a strange noise or move my body in an odd way, he’ll often smile at me and say, “You’re weird,” then immediately mimic my noise or movement. There’s a lot of laughter in our relationship. He doesn’t tell me I’m not weird; rather, he accepts and treasures all of my weirdness (plus, he’s also quite the funky bird).

Is young for her age in preferences, appearance and tastes

My clothing style is unique. When I’m not lounging in comfy sweaters, I’m twirling for my husband in a dress that makes me feel beautiful. Flower crowns and sparkly eyeshadow are my favorite accessories, though I’m down for a cute bow too. I have been mistaken for a high-schooler in my twenties, and I don’t care. I’m content being my whimsical, fairy-like self at age 24.

Usually more expressive than autistic males

I’m incredibly expressive, to the point where I could weird people out with my intense facial expressions. With my family, I’ve learned that they give people a good laugh, so I make them often to make others smile, but I hide them outside the family.

Mom likes to mimic my goofy expression

It feels as though my mask is quite physical on my face because I keep every expression so toned down. When I’m with people I’m comfortable with though, this is the easiest part of my mask to take off. I’m visibly, extremely happy when I’m happy, and visibly, extremely upset when I’m upset. I guess you could say I’m an open book with every emotion dialed up a few levels.

May have androgynous traits with feminine appearance

I am the girl in beautiful flower crowns and dresses who played games with plastic mythical creatures and wild animals when I was little. I was out in the dirt, my dinosaurs and dragons having a massive battle that sometimes lasted multiple days—not exactly what normal playtime would look like for girls. My other sisters almost never played outside in the dirt, nor did they have massive battles between dinosaurs and dragons.

Even younger still, I was dubbed “Moyer the Destroyer” from VeggieTales: The Star of Christmas because I would wake up from my nap and gleefully run to destroy whatever tower my older sisters had built while I was sleeping. I was definitely the tomboy of my sisters.

Camouflages socially and may lack sense of identity

Oh my goldfish, yes! My mask defined my entire identity for almost my whole life, and I know so many autistic people relate with this. This led to a fascination with personality because I didn’t understand who I truly was. I was constantly searching for my missing piece—the reason I was so different from others. Once I discovered I was autistic, I finally found it, and I was able to see myself so much clearer.

However, due to all the years I spent masking, taking off my mask is going to be a long, arduous process—like taking two steps forward and one step back.

Retreats with reading and/or TV and movies

Say no more, while I’m down to get lost in a good book series, movies and TV shows are my jam. The majority of my special interests are made up of various TV shows and movies. When I’m really into a show or movie, I’ll watch it over and over and over again. I feel like I’m returning to my friends. It makes me incredibly happy, and the predictability makes me feel safe.

Manages stress with rules, discipline and routines

One of my gifts is self-discipline, and with it, I create a sense of control in my environment. I am strict on my diet so I can feel healthy and good about my body. I am hardly on my phone—in my opinion, technology divides people, so I stubbornly refuse to fall prey to its addiction—to protect my mental wellbeing and relationships.

But I also have really small routines that, if disrupted, cause frustration. I have a specific bedtime routine, where every pillow, blanket, and stuffie has its place on the bed. I need to have the sheet and comforter tucked into the crack between the bed and wall. It really messes with me when these things are out of place or messed up.

Happiest at home or other controlled environments

I have always been torn between who I am at home and who I am outside of the house. The two are so opposing, I’ve often felt like the sun and the moon—my sunny side being funky, blunt, and very talkative at home; my moon side being shy, sweet, and quiet outside the house. I am definitely more unmasked around my family than peers, though both groups got to see different sides of me.

I’ve always wondered which one was more me. I liked the moon side of me more, because she was much more acceptable to people, but my sunny side was much more accurate to who I really am, even though she can be a harder pill to swallow with her perceived aggression and blunt honesty. Today, I am much more of a combination of the two, and I feel the most like me I’ve ever been. I am still sunshine mixed with a little hurricane, and thanks to my husband, Gavin, I am finally seen and understood.

Final Thoughts

And that wraps up the first column of common autistic traits in women: appearance and personal habits. How many of the traits did you relate with?

After going through the first column, I want to reiterate that these are not official “autistic traits,” but rather common tendencies or preferences found in autistic women. This means that not every autistic woman will relate with them. And, of course, autistic men and neurotypicals alike can relate with them too.

If you are still reading this, thank you! Your support means the world to me. If you would like to become a mushroom among wildflowers, please consider subscribing to my blog below, or my YouTube channel. Both are appreciated.

Honestly, this column of the chart is my least favorite to talk about, so I’m looking forward to exploring the next columns with you soon! See you in the next one.